::im scared all the time

i think i am scared all the time. i keep starting sentences with 'i think' and its stupid and i use it to downplay my experiences because i would rather ignore or delude myself from a truth know to be, rather than engage in confrontation with another person.

i do this a lot. Writing is hard and i think i get caught in the minutia of how exactly to phrase things, and in getting down the dialogues i have with myself while im writing, so today im going to just word vomit a little. i think it can be a useful thing at times, just trying your best to get the words from inside your head out, even if its disordered, even if it doesn't make any sense, just unrestricted stream of consciousness.

i am scared all the time. i care very deeply about those around me. i have had a rather unstable social network throughout my life. Most of my friends moved away or graduated before me, or distance - emotional or physical - became an unsurmountable obstacle. of the friends i have now only maybe three of them i've known for more than five years, well, known 'well'. Having a family that has been not the most reliable in terms of emotional support then, has made me very attached to the people i love. i would gladly give my life without a second's hesitation for those dear to me, i would do anything for them, because i am scared if i don't - if im not good enough, not willing enough for them - they will leave.

Relationships are hard i attach myself to people in a way that isn't healthy. i devote every second of myself to people and it's unfair to them. i struggle a lot with relationships because this is how all of them start. i dont know how to act like a normal partner. God knows any chance i had of that was stripped away from me early on. i see every little hesitation, every pause or silence as a failing of myself, and as a peek behind a well obscured hatred of me. i genuinely can't stomach the fact that anyone could truly love me out of anything other than pity or utility.

i don't know what to do. im in therapy so i guess that helps. Im currently working through a lot of my feeling on relationships. i still feel like i shouldn't continue to date people, or let people close to me for that matter. i know this is stupid. i am deserving of love and care, and beyond being a bit overbearing at times i dont think i actively hurt my partners. i just wish there was a switch or button that could fix me. Every day hurts. Whether because im scared of her leaving, or of fucking something up, it hurts. It hurts so much and i want it to stop more than anything.

i think im doing the things im meant to, but i wish it was better, i wish i was better, i wish i would hurry up and get better, please.

i dont know if ill keep this up long term, its not edited (beyond spellcheck) and it doesnt really have any merit or meaning, just helping me get my thoughts out maybe ill unlist it idk man

bweeegh

cya - flora